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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.