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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.