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Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.