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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.