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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.