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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.