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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I dare you to spit on this status.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)