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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.