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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is