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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?