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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.