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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?