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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Hard butter is the devil.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..