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Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..