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I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.