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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.