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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch