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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day