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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.