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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I look so young for my rage.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.