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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
So long pants! See you Monday!
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.