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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.