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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
The problem with you is ... you exist.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.