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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule