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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…