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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...