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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole