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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF