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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.