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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.