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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.