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Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.