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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?