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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me