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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.