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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.