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Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
I wish karma would send me email notifications.