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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.