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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)