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I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
drinks well with others.