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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Trust me, I am a liar.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.