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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.