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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.