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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
I grew up for this?
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people