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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...