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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.