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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."