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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.