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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.