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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.