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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page