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If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Some of my best memories are naps.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.