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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?