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Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.