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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Save time. See it my way.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
You can`t be late until you show up
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?