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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.